I won’t let you go until you bless me!
Come with me and let’s imagine for a moment. Jacob, of Ladder fame, is approaching his meeting with his brother, Esau. This is the first time they will be seeing each other since that fateful day 22 years ago when Jacob “stole” the blessing of the firstborn that Esau had sold to him for a pot of lentil soup. Jacob strategically plans his approach to this meeting, not knowing what Esau’s mood will be, and he moves his entire family across the River Yabbok in the middle of the night. He gets everybody over successfully and then Jacob has to go back to the other shore to get some small jars that he left there and he finds himself alone in the dark. Suddenly he is attacked. Jacob and his attacker fight and fight, neither gaining the upper hand, until the first light of morning appears. The man sees that he will not win the fight against Jacob and he hits Jacob in his thigh, injuring him. The man then says to Jacob, “let me go, it’s already morning and I have to go”. Jacob says “no! not until you bless me.” The man asks Jacob’s name and Jacob tells him. The man responds saying, “Jacob will not be your name anymore, your name will now be Israel because you have fought with G-d and man, and won.” But Jacob doesn’t stop there, he asks the man his name. The man replies cagily, “why are you asking me my name?” He doesn’t give his name but he does bless Jacob.
Who is this man?
The French biblical commentary from the 1100’s, Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki also known as Rashi, says that this man was none other than the representative angel of Jacob’s brother, Esau. He attacks Jacob when he’s alone in the dark bringing a non-diplomatic aggressive energy that Jacob has to deal with before seeing his brother. Jacob has planned both diplomatic and tactical avenues to deal with his brother tomorrow but tonight the gloves come off and Jacob has a no-bullshit interaction with Esau’s angel. Neither of them win but even the angel of Esau, like all other angels, has a job to do every morning, it must go sing praises in front of the throne of glory. And the angel is going to be late unless Jacob lets him go so the angel hits Jacob in the thigh, injuring him. Jacob says to this embodiment of his fear and vulnerability who has just really hurt him, “Nope! I’m not ready for you to leave yet. We’re not finished. I want a blessing from you first!”
Sure enough Esau’s angel blesses Jacob and gives him a new name, the name that becomes synonymous with Jacob’s family for millenia – Israel.
I’ve been contemplating what I’ve seen as a theme which shows itself in many of the evidence-based approaches to therapy along with Buddhism influenced mindfulness meditation. A practice which promises relief from a spectrum of mental health maladies. While I normally am averse to pop psychology and following the crowd, this is one movement that I am more and more convinced holds deep value for the growth of a human being.
It is nothing more complicated than the directive of sitting with one’s discomfort. Providing it a place to process and to play. Giving ourselves the time and space to curiously explore our dark places without urgently pushing them aside. This is a particularly powerful practice when done with a strong adult presence there to “hold space” for the uncomfortable emotional experience. Sometimes we can bring our adult selves to an experience and hold space for the inner child who may be scared, confused, sad, or frustrated. The child may need some time and space to play and explore through the experience under the attentive but non-impinging eye of our adult selves. And sometimes it’s better to have a therapist, in active relationship with us, hold the space which allows us to decompensate a bit and work through the challenging feelings in the safety of the therapy relationship.
Next time you notice a difficult emotional experience heading your way you can jump on your phone, eat a snack, or watch porn to try to avoid it. Or, you can engage it, be with it, fight with it, embrace it, and make sure you don’t let it go until it gives you a blessing.